Ashes


This is the time of tiredness, I guess.  Yesterday I came home so beat that I scarcely had energy to lie down.  I forced food down my throat.  Cleaned my mouth.  Applied aloe and antibiotics to my neck.

I press a wet wash cloth to my neck and the skin crumbles off like wet pieces of chocolate.  It is burned black.  My body feels buffered from the world as if it is wrapped in cotton.  Sensations, the larger sympathetic sensations that engage us with the world, feel muted.  Sense of smell, however, is more pronounced.  People’s bodies smell.  Smells of oil, simmering tomato sauce, chicken or vegetable broth all wafting from restaurants strike  fiercely.  As does the sharp pungent odor of tobacco.  Or the sewer, or the scent of ocean on the fog.  I can detect the scent of flowers from yards away.

It takes time to accomplish much of anything.  Today I pondered ordering new software on Amazon for a good half hour before I summoned the energy to do it.  Eating takes time.  Hygiene takes time.  And suddenly I feel exhausted and I need to just lie down.

And yet.

On Wednesday I attended a forum on health care.  Nancy Pelosi spoke as did the CEO’s of UCSF and California Pacific Medical Center.  I read about medical drains.  I read about radiation treatment.

I ate.

I paid 2 dollars to take the bus to treatment and used my transfer to take the bus to China Basin.  I posted an entry en route and stopped for a bagel layered thick with cream cheese and walked to the China Basin Med Center and took the UCSF shuttle back to Mt. Zion and read there and took the bus to the Park and the bus from there back home.  I was destroyed by the end of it.

No more days, like that I think.

Today I read plot synopsis of 25 or 30 Lost episodes and I lost so much interest in the characters that I switched to reading 2 sentence precis episode descriptions and then I got so bored that I gave up entirely.  So much for TV.

I think I might read a book.

Or I might sleep.  Call it sleep.

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