Dry Heat

This afternoon I had my dry run before I begin six weeks of radiation.

Whoa.

My daughter asked me if it was fun.  Yes it was, I told her.  And it was also scary.

I strolled into the basement of Mt. Zion, they pointed me to the men’s changing room, I rummaged through a box of striped gowns (they reminded me of Holocaust wear), threw one on, was guided into a sweet catapulting room with cherry floors, lay down on a softly cushioned table, jammed a prosthetic in my mouth to prevent my tongue from moving and a few moments later two men bolted my head down with a mesh mask and split from the room.

Right on.  They told me they were taking x-rays which might have been a dumbed down euphemism for something else.  I heard a heavy whooshing sound, like the proximate breath of some very large reptile.  Every so often I would register an intense blue white flash followed by a strange sharp odor lodged somewhere between my nostrils and my tongue.  It smelled as if the air itself was burning.  Not cool.

I followed my breath.  I tried not to swallow.  I composed long sentences in my head.  Not much different than any other time except for the swallowing part.  I wondered about how much tolerance there was in the measurements – what would I fry in my head if I tricked my neck a millimeter to the left or to the right.  I tried not to trick my neck.  I hoped that their measurements were right.

After 20 minutes it was over.  I mentioned the smell to the rad tech.  Only a small number of people can see and smell it, he said.  What’s up with that, I wondered.  We all have eyes and tongues and noses.  There shouldn’t be that much variability in this stuff, in our bodies, in energy moving through those bodies.  And in my mind, in this game, variability is also not cool.

I grabbed my stuff.  I snapped some pictures.  Rad tech John handed me a green appointment slip for my first dosing.  8:30 am.  Monday.

Watching

I’m being watched. And grateful for it. So grateful. There’s a story, possibly apocryphal, during the Purges, the reign of terror, under Stalin. At the height of the cult of personality, the terror was coupled with an intense cowering before and adulation of the immensity of it all. In particular of the Big Guy. At night couples, families would be walking through Red Square and they would see a lone light burning in the Kremlin. “Look,” they’d say in hushed whispers. “Stalin is working.”

Of course it might not have been adulation at all and instead standard issue Russian black humor.

Regardless. Beneath the heat of that gaze be it real or imagined, partial and human or that of a cool eyed whithering executioner, we’re reminded to get with the program.

It’s so important to get with the program.

Reality

Okay. I’m downstairs in the Grand Cafe. I order a dry cap, but the foam is a little too wet and already collapsing, the shots pulled long. I get my box of pastries. Good enough.

Back at the room, I run the bath, I gather up the paper, I organize my coffee and my pastries, and I climb in the water. It’s hot. I mean really hot. I’m sweating. I take a bite of pastry. Okay. I try to read, but its kind of hard. I’m sweating. I think I’m reading about whether we’re entering a recovery or not. I take a sip of coffee.

I wait a few minutes, but my phone doesn’t buzz.

Dang it.

What’s the pleasure in something undeserved? A bath, any pleasure really, must be earned and earned in the right way. Even by the end of today if I’m lucky I’ll have spent the better part of my time writing. But I will not have run 12 miles or heaved a ton and a half of coal or been zapped by a few centigrays of uranium. No heavy lifting (really heavy lifting) whatsoever.

So there you have it: stuck yet at the Monaco, staring at the most lovely of cakes, with no desire (let alone right) to eat it.

Fantasy

So I’m in this hotel. I got some crazy ass free upgrade. Corner room – actually rooms, like 900 sf. and a bathtub that could fit three people. Except that I don’t have three people: just me. And it’s 9:30 am and I feel I need to take advantage of this tub and I have this fantasy (wait, stop, check your thoughts – this isn’t going where you think):

I’m in the deep swimming pool tub. The water is hot and steaming. A dry cappuccino in a porcelain cup rests delicately beside me. A plate of buttery pastries with fruit jam. I’m reading the New York Times, careful not to get the edges wet. My phone buzzes. I pick it up and glance at the message. 4 letters, some number. I purse my lip and ponder for a moment. I carefully text back the word SELL. I return to my paper.

Nice.

Beers with your bros’

Grand Cafe. Union Square. On my second pint and my pure blue dem fundraiser for CA assemblywoman barmate announces that Obama has had a sitdown with Gates and the cambridge cop. Some might consider it the most naked media photo op. I differ. One, this conversation was bound to happen. Who better equipped to have a thoughtful, bristly, well-informed discussion about race relations than these three men? And, two, who better equipped to call the two antagonists together than Barry O? He can advise Gates to sit down and shut up. And he can tell Crowley to reign it in. And he can provide space for them to talk. This conversation could have, should have, and probably would have occurred anyway, and might have been better in private. Instead it’s public. Whatever. It doesn’t negate the value in it happening.

Anything to quiet the noise, move dialogue forward, and put the nonsense to bed.

Recovery art

I think they need a little help here.